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Galadriel: The world is changed. I can feel it in the water. I can feel it in the earth. I can smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it. Why, I remember back in my day you could buy a lollipop for a penny and a silmaril for $2. Those were the good old days.
… Where was I? Oh yes.
It began with the forging of the Great Friendship Bracelets. But that didn’t really catch on. So they tried rings.
Three were given to the Elves: who pretty much kick all ass.
Seven to the Dwarf-lords so they would stop whining about how we never send them birthday presents.
And nine. Nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire not to be called sissies for wearing bits of jewelry.
For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived. For all of those rings had been found in a Cracker Jack box and were fairly worthless and left green rings around your finger when they got wet. But another ring was made.
In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a Master Ring to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. We think there may also have been some yellow food coloring. Anyhow, one ring to rule them all, as I previously mentioned.
One by one, the free lands of Middle-earth fell to the power of the Ring. And by “fell” I mean were generally dismayed and wrote some pretty dismal poetry. And by “the power of the Ring” I mean Sauron’s armies of nasties.
But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor. And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth. Unfortunately, I had a hair appointment that weekend so I actually couldn’t be there. You know how it is. I’m told the Men actually showed up, like, a week late, which is why it was the Last Alliance. We Elves have had it with their poor sense of punctuality. I tell you.
Elrond: Tangado haid! Leithio i philinn! Aiieee! My ear! ("Hold [your] positions! Fire the arrows!" Aiieee! My ear!”)
Galadriel: Victory was near. But the power of the Ring could not be undone.
Sauron: You armies get off my lawn!
Galadiel: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword. He actually meant to take off Sauron’s head. Isildur was quite far sighted, but he refused to wear his glasses because his brother laughed at him and called him a nerd. Nonetheless, Sauron, the enemy of the Free peoples of Middle-earth, was defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But Men are stupid. And the Ring was very shiny and pretty (again, the food coloring). The Ring betrayed Isildur to his death. At least, that’s how they tell it in Gondor. Clearly Isildur just never learned to swim. Well, some things that should not have been forgotten were lost, including my favorite pair of sunglasses. History became legend; legend became myth; myth became crazy talk; crazy talk became—well, you get the idea. For two and a half thousand years the Ring (and my sunglasses!) passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.
Gollum: Hey! A really tiny bracelet!
Galadriel: The Ring came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. Yeah I know. Look, I don’t think he was too stable to begin with. Anyhow, there he had nothing better to do all day then sit and talk to it and pet it, and make up pet names for it.
Gollum: It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My little schnooky wookums. Gollum!
Galadriel: The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For 500 years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave it waited. And tension grew between the Ring and Gollum. Because Gollum grew to take the Ring for granted, and the Ring no longer felt special. Gollum no longer appreciated the dinners that the Ring would cook. And sometimes Gollum would leave the Ring alone in the cave and wander off and not tell the Ring where it was going and then he just came skulking back in the wee hours of the morning like nothing was the matter! And the Ring came to suspect that Gollum had other jewelry he was visiting. Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And the Ring of Power perceived its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum and ran off in the middle of the night with the most unlikely creature imaginable. A Hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.
Gollum: Lost! My Precious is lost!!! Where’s my dinner?!?
Galadriel: For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all. Because Hobbits would soon open up the world’s largest investment banking firm. But also, there were some other Hobbits that did some other stuff. Which is, I guess, what we’re focusing on here.
being nosy, bitching, black magick, boromir, bribery, bullshit, butt jokes, callous comments, cash, chiropractics, clothing, coffee, coins, complaining, computers, corrupting hobbits, cosmetics, crush denial, curry puffs, cursing, death, disrespect of elders, dwarven swearing, fart humour, fire, food, glaring, going postal, gold, immortality, injury, insults, killing stuff, lingerie sales, lotr, madlibs, making faces, making fun of herself, making fun of you, manolo blahnik, melodramatic eyerolls, money, not caring, nursery rhymes, old men, paranoia, personal servants, phobias, pilfering, pimpslapping denethor, plotholes, pointy shoes, poison ivy, pranks, pretentious titles, public humiliation, random 3am wakeup calls, rhetorical questions, screaming hysteria, sharp things, shoes, sighing, snerks, spastic fits, spending money, stating the obvious, stepping on toes, sulking, taunts, the middle finger, the net, theft, threats at gunpoint, throwing rocks, tmi, tp, treeing oneself, video games, weapons, wedgies, whining